


Loz & LU Crack/Cursed Oneshots

by Somewhat_Ficz



Series: Oneshots & Short Fics [2]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: I have a serious problem, Multi, Nonesense, One Shot, Probably Crack, Sorry Not Sorry, The author doesn't know what their doing, The author has gone insane, actually...yes it is crack, could be crack, excuse me and my crack, lack of braincell problems, maybe crack, random things, what the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23277937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somewhat_Ficz/pseuds/Somewhat_Ficz
Summary: Just some Legend Of Zelda & Linked Universe One-Shots I come up with. These One-Shots are the result of my dumbass brain and some very hectic times.
Relationships: Four & Hyrule & Legend & Sky & Time & Twilight & Warriors & Wild & Wind (Linked Universe), Link & Zelda (Legend of Zelda)
Series: Oneshots & Short Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015575
Comments: 31
Kudos: 98





	1. If Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild Was Honest

**Author's Note:**

> This one was created because it was a very interesting situation when our brains were technically laughing their asses out.

In the shrine of ressurection...

“…link…”

“Link.”

“Link!”

“LINK! Wake up!”

“Wake the Fuck Up Idiot!”

“Noo, 5 more minutes…” Link whined.

“We gave you 100 fucking years to rest and heal. Now wake the fuck up, and drag that lazy ass of yours outside! Its time to save Hyrule!” Zelda Shouted.

Link hesitated and was about to complain, when an invisible force instantly yeeted him out of the shrine of resurrection out to the world.

“Link..you are our light..our hope that must shine- ugh blah blah blah shine save Hyrule yeah. Now using the shiekah slate I have given you, use it to do good and save Hyrule, oh and don’t forget to meet up with the old stink man down there that they call my father.” Zelda ordered.

“Now…go…”

“And I swear Link if you fucking die I will kick your ass down back to Hyrule from the sacred realm to save Hyrule again until you succeed!” Zelda Warned.

And so the hero of the wilds went on his fucking journey to save Hyrule.


	2. The "Four" Yeeters, p.s. The Sword Is Coming For Your Kneecaps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was random, soooo random. I was asking for one-shot ideas and someone literally said Four yeeting someone or himself and I was like okay. And because I continued this the other day and all people were talking about were stealing each others kneecaps.

One day, Four just got so fed up with the Four Sword that he yeeted it into the far distance to never be seen again, but then like a minute the Four Sword came back into the distance and smacked the back of Four's head hard, making him fall unconscious.

"Four!" The others yelled as their companion fell to the ground unconscious.

\-----

The first thing he thought of when waking up was _why do I feel so empty?_

He started to stand up then suddenly realization hit him like trash.

And after that his mind literally screamed _that fucking sword._

He quickly got up and went out of the small makeshift tent he woke up in and stomped outside.

"Alright where the fuck are the others and that fucking sword?!" He shouted in rage and frustration.

"Relax Blue they're right here." Sky said.

Blue huffed and angrily stomped over to where the others were.

"Hey blue!" Red greeted happily.

"Hey." Green greeted.

Vio just merely looked in his direction and uttered a silent hello.

"Alright, where is that fucking sword?!" Blue yelled.

"Blue we're split up remember, that means the sword is too." Green reminded.

Blue gritt his teeth and stomped off somewhere.

"Blue, where are you going?" Red asked.

"I don't know somewhere." He replied quickly.

"Are you going to be okay?" Red asked, concerned.

'Yes, will be fine Red!" He said, his patience running thin.

Once he was out of an earshot, in the woods, he unsheathed his part of the four sword.

"Now look here you fucking sword, I'm done with your shitty ass buisness!" Blue shouted at the sword as he yeeted it out into the distance again.

He turned on his heel and walked away happy that finally that sword is done messing with them...with _him._

Little did he know that for some reason the sword flew back to him like a boomerang and instead of hitting his head it hit his kneecaps.

"SHIT!" Blue screamed out of shock.

\-----

And then the Four Sword went for its other wielders breaking their kneecaps and continued to rampage the remaining of the camp, like a fusking boomerang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes I don't know what I'm doing at all.


	3. A "Tough" Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So literally no one can blame me for this weird one-shot okay, this was made at like past 1 am, so it is not my fault. Also this was a random idea, and happens when you put a group of people together with no lives and one of them happens to be in a timezone where it is currently midnight and asks for one-shot ideas. (aka me)

Meanwhile in Goron City...

"Wind! Stop eating the goddess damn rocks!" Warriors shouted.

"Whyyy?! Its so crunchy and good!" Wind retorted.

"Because our bodies were not meant to digest rocks!" Warriors shouted.

"Well then...I don't care! They are good then so be it!" Wind retorted.

"For the love of the goddess Wind, I'm not going to say this again! STOP. EATING. THE. ROCKS!" Warriors tried one last time.

With a mouthful of pebbles and gravel, Wind looked up from his plate full of rocks and gravel and stared Warriors in the eye, with a determined gaze and said through a full mouth. 

"N.O." then glared at Warriors before continuing to eat the delicious rocks and gravel on his plate. 

Warriors threw his hands up in defeat.

"You know what...Screw This!" Warriors shouted as he lost all sense of reason and charged at Wind.

Trying his best to keep the sailor away from the plated rocks.

"WIND! STOP! I'M GOING TO DO ALL IN MY POWER TO GET YOU AWAY FROM THE DAMN ROCKS!" Warriors said through gritted teeth.

Wind was struggling a lot in Warriors grasp.

"Let go of me!" Wind shouted.

"What the absolute fuck is going on?" Legend said, as the others soon joined him. 

"Hey Legend what going on-" Hyrule said.

As the others arrived they greeted Legend but he didn't say anything, the only thing he did was told them to shut up and pointed to Wind and Warriors.

"Um..are...are they okay?" Four asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure they're fine." Legend answered.

"What happened?" Time asked.

"Oh. Warriors is trying to stop Wind from eating the rocks." Legend said, but hearing out of his own mouth it sounds really weird.

Hyrule was about to ask another question when Legend shushed him.

"just shut up and enjoy the show." Legend told the others.


	4. The Last Toilet Paper Roll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this idea of toilet paper was given to me by @slendy and without further ado let the chaos begin!

Time and Warriors glared at each other, each of them wanting to get the last roll of toilet paper for themselves.

"Let the mexican standoff begin!" Wind shouted from somewhere near them.

Warriors glared. "You ain't getting that toilet paper old man."

Time glared back. "You bet my glorious thighs and ass I will...captain."

Warriors shot time a deadly glare.

Time shot back with _"the glare"_.

"CHARGEEEE!" Sky yelled.

Time and Warriors looked at Sky's direction see him leading an entire army of cuccos their way.

"SHIT! SKY!" Time yelled.

not long after Sky another shout could be heard.

"AHHHHHHH!" Someone yelled.

Immediately the three of them got distracted and said in unison. "What the was that?"

they looked around for the sudden scream when...

"AHHHHHHH!" Wild screamed as he ran at them while holding a stick on fire.

The fire scared all the cuccos away when suddenly...

The stick accidentally hit the toilet paper and the next thing he knew the toilet paper was disintegrated into ash.

"Oh. Oops." Wild said sheepishly.

Warriors, Sky & Time just stared at the pie of ash.

"I'm just...just gonna go..." Wild said before making a run for it, but he didnt get far before Twilight used his clawshot around him waist.

"HEYYY! LET ME GO!" Wild shouted.

Twilight pressed the button on his claw shot and slowly reeled in a guilty Wild.

"WILD! THAT WAS OUR LAST ROLL OF TOILET PAPER!" Twilight scolded him.

\-----

From somewhere near the camp, Four and Wind were together.

"psst Wind, you recording this?" Four asked.

"yeah. I got it all." Wind replied.

"hehe" they both snickered mischievously, as Wind recorded everything that was going on, using Wild's slate.

"good thing Wild taught you how to use the camera rune." Four said.

"yeah, otherwise this wouldn't have been as funny." Wind said.

\-----

As Twilight kept on scolding him, both of them didn't notice a very salty Legend come by.

"WILD I SWEAR TO HYLIA I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP FOR THAT!" Legend yellled.

_great, now I have to deal with Twi's scolding and Legend's threats._ Wild thought to himself over the loud noises of threats and scolds.

\-----

Time, Sky & Warriors stood still staring at the ash of toilet paper, dumbfounded.

\-----

Hyrule seeming lost in the situation their group was in went to the small group that was the calmest.

"Hey, mind if I join?" he asked.

"yeah sure 'Rule." Four replied.

"What are you guys doing?"

Four and Wind seemed more mischievous than normal as they looked to each other.

"Oh, hehe, just look." Wind said, as he moved the slate closer to Hyrule so he could see.

Hyrule stared at the slate not getting what they meant, until realization dawned on him of what they were doing.

"Oh ho ho ho, you little gremlins." Hyrule giggled.

"You mean the three of us." Four corrected.

A mischievous grin formed on Hyrule's face.

The three of them giggled, as they recorded the hilarious situation their group was in, just like the little gremlins they are.


	5. The One Where Legend Gets Robbed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ITS CRACK FIC TIME and you know what it also happens to be @bluebeam246's Borthday! funny story i got this from a few events that actually happened between me and Blue and I thought its their bday, i wanna make a crackfic and so why not make a crackfic based on funny times to reminisce some fun..."fun" times... it might not be fully the same but its the boys so gotta make things more interesting u know :P

...

"WARRIORS WHAT THE FUCK!?" Legend screamed.

The captain smirked, as he immediately knew why the red cladded hero was shouting.

Legend stomped over to where Warriors was and GLARED at him.

"I know you fucking robbed me CAPTAIN."

His smirk just grew wider.

He shrugged his shoulder and raised his hands up in the air dramatically, jokingly indicated that he was "Defeated".

"I don't know what your talking about, how could you have known that it was me?" He said sarcastically in between giggles.

Legend glared at him.

"oh fuck you." Legend swore as he turned on his heel.

"I swear he's starting to act more like Ravio, these days." he grumbled to himself.

"oh what was that?" Warriors said.

"-_-" 

\-----

that same night Legend was on first watch. Like he had planned to do it was his turn to take something from the captain to get back for stealing his moon pearl.

He reached into the captains bag under the cover of night and might have stolen the captain's scarf.

He gave the scarf to wolfie who was suddenly here.

\-----

"WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!" Was the group's morning call for the day.

"WHERE IS MY SCARF?!"

Legend held a sly grin as the captain, rushed around camp looking for his scarf.

"Where is it..." he grumbled to himself as he went all over camp until his eyes landed upon Legend.

Legend wore a smirk on his face, not even trying to hide it.

Warriors stomped over to him and pointed a finger at him.

"oh...Oh You Bastard." 

"where's my scarf?" warriors demanded.

"I don't know..." Legend replied.

Warriors glared at him.

" _Give_ me back my scarf."

"hmm, how about no and how about you give me back my moon pearl."

"how did you even get your grubby hands on it the first place?" Legend added.

Warriors gave Legend his signature smirk.

Legend glared at him.

Warriors glared back.

...

"HOLY FUCK THEY'RE HAVING A MEXICAN STANDOFF, EVERYBODY DROP YOUR SHIT AND FUCKING WATCH!" Wind shouted in amusement.

Time sighed. "Wind- you know what never mind." Time gave up trying all at once to correct the sailor about his language but by now he's tried to many times and failed at all of them, so no point in trying now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i regret nothing and also i has a message to the borthday person:  
> ᛒᛚᚢᛖ ᛁᛗ ᛚᛁᚴᛖ ᛋᛖᚱᛁᛟᚢᛋ ᛏᚺᛟ ᛋᛏᛟᛈ ᚱᛟᛒᛒᛁᚾᚷ ᛗᛖ, ᛚᛁᚴᛖ ᚨᛏ ᛏᚺᛁᛋ ᛈᛟᛁᚾᛏ ᛁᛏᛋ ᛃᚢᛋᛏ ᚨ ᚱᛟᚢᛏᛁᚾᛖ ᚾᛟᚹ.  
> XD
> 
> also i know some things don't make sense but just bare with me its a crackfic at best it would make some sort of sense.
> 
> also i know this isnt much of an ending but who cares :P


	6. Short Lonks n Shelves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> literally no sense, beware but seriously at this point does this entire crackfic Oneshot thing make sense?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written by:  
> me (nicky of course), Purple and Paru on the LU discord XD 
> 
> and of course like the joke and crack it is, it is not proof-read, this is fresh out of what braincells we had

Warriors busts the door of the house open. “The fucks going on in here?!” 

The group of lonks, looked over the now very broken and bent door to see warriors expression of utter questionability.

They looked at each other, as if looking for answers, and when it became apparent that none of them have any, they looked up.

They looked up because it would be impossible to see the face of their newest addition otherwise.

“WARRIORS, THE HELL U DID TO THE DOOR?!” someone yells 

“Dude, that door just friking passed away-” Wind states as he salutes.

“F in the chat for the door.”

Time just yeets out his ocarina and plays the F key very out of tune* 

OCARINA GO drtfytgubinjlmk-

Everyone closes their ears as the very out of tune F is played.

“Time we know it's for respect but i think instead of respect, i think you dissed the door...” wind states bluntly

“RIP door,” Wild states as he sets the remains of the door on fire.

Hyrule kneels besides the flames and cries. “It died so young…”

“Trcyvhjdrytvugjhbbkn- WILD, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LIGHTING THINGS ON FIRE INSIDE A HOUSE!” Twilight scolded.

“Hehe arson go brrrrrrr-”

Unintelligible, distorted and frustrated yodels commence*

Time gives Wind the cold eye, signaling him to run or perish-

Four crosses his arms on his chest, disappointed visible on his shaking head, "Not cool, Warriors. Not cool."

Wind gets the message and as quickly as possible snatched the ocarina from Time’s hand, yeets it into the fire Wild made and makes a run for it.

“See you all next year!” he shouts as he runs to who the hell knows where.

Time stares at the now blueish fire, then sending a glare that could murder anyone at the spot he last saw Wind.

“Dw fam I gotchu,” Legend tosses an ocarina at Time.

“...doesn’t this have deep sentimental value to you? Isn’t this from Koholint?”

“Idk man this is a crackfic, we don’t care about ‘sentimental value’ here.”

“Since when do we break the 4th wall?”

**“** It broke at the same time  _ someone _ -” he glares at Warriors- “broke down the door.”

Warriors shrugged. “It's nothing but a damn door, quit being so salty about it.”

“Anyways…” warriors rolled his eyes, shifting the conversation. “What with all the high shelves?”

“Dunno they’ve always been there as far as i know.” hyrule answered.

“And why are there soo many rupees up here?”

“What did you just say-” Four slowly asked.

“There were fucking rupees up there?! And none of us knew?!” Legend ranted.

Four whips out his sword and suddenly there’s four Fours. Four squared.

They stack on top of each other (“hehe, totem time” Legend says) and the top one peers onto the shelf.

“THERE’S CRAP UP HERE GUYS,,,,,,,,” he screamas.

“Maybe yall didnt see it in the first place cuz yall are fucking short.” 

“Then stop calling us out and fucking lift us up there.” legend retorts.

One by one each of the lonks are carried up by big bro tol Warriors, only to find that there was a whole world up there full of treasure.

“Oh shit, there really are a lot of rupees and stuff here.”

At the mention of rupees, somewhere is the far distance a shout could be heard.

“WAIT FOR MEEEEEE, I WANT STUFF TOO!” Wind shouted.

In a speed of light Wind skrrts over to Warriors and demands to be carried up.

“Hyrule, you wanna be next?”

“Nah, I know I don’t have anything up there, it’s all up here.” He taps his head.

“In your brain?”

“No, in my hair. It holds many secrets.” He runs his hand through it, a loud clanging coming when something gold falls out.

“DID YOU HAVE THE FREAKING TRIFORCE IN YOUR HAIR????”

Hyrule picks it up and examines it. “Oh so that’s where it went!”

Warrior face palms. “Ru, did you really have the one thing that balances the world chilling somewhere in your hair?”

Before Hyrule could answer Warriors continues. “And the fact that you said “”thats where it went!”” concerns me a lot-”

Hyrule shrugs. “I get lost, my stuff gets lost, the ultimate power left behind by the goddesses themselves gets lost, it really do be like that sometimes.”

Warriors blinks not once but twice and brings his hands up to scrunch his forehead.

“Hey whats taking you guys so long?” Wind asks from somewhere farther in the shelf.

“Coming!” Warriors shouted over.

He looked at Hyrule before speaking. “Hey cmon we dont make them wait for us any longer.”

Hyrule nodded. “Alright!”

As the last two of the bunch finally made it up they explored the vast world above the ground on the shelves. Finding things they’ve lost and things they'd thought they'd never come across here.

Moral of story: always be friends with at least one tall guy, who knows where they can bring ya up to and the adventure that comes with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is unfinished because we lost interest so I just wrapped it up in the end without effort :)


End file.
